Tuesday, July 17, 2012


With the upcoming exhibition, i have begun painting again
One little thing at a time

60% off on canvas has me trying my hand at painting on mounted canvas
Biggest pieces I've ever tried


Trying to grow up is hard, when we came here at the beginning of the year i was firm in my resolve to take the health sciences course and battle my way into physiotherapy and do that for the rest of my life, but why should i do that? I like having a hold on something constant, it makes me feel safe. 
Right now i feel very unsafe, i have no idea how to make the transfer from doing things i love to being out there still doing them. I want to paint, but i do not wish life to be a struggle or turn painting into a chore so I've told myself i can paint in my spare time (what spare time?). I used my enjoyment for the small details of biology to convince myself to take the health sciences. The first year health science course is one of the hardest courses you can take as a first year making the transition from school to university; it requires hard work, time management and skill in all areas of science (that i do not have as much in chemistry and physics). 
I am now completely lost

Deciding what to do for the rest of your life is ridiculous, if the world were good and uni fees weren't so high i would have taken so, so many interest papers. I still wish i could do a year of interest and then go back to trying for physiotherapy.  Or take a gap year and go do something and be someone overseas, rather than someone whose life is in a little box.

We have our UMAT test tomorrow which is worth a lot of our final grade for the year
We are given one online practice exam. I just completed section two which was 'understanding people' i got 41/44 correct, clearly understanding people is my thing <3
I'm interested in physio as it helps people, though not to the simply terrifying extent surgeons do, but I've never wanted to be a surgeon. The shock of having someone die on me would be too great. 

Memory shell

The shell i wore around my neck for a good six months
I put it on the day my granddad died,
it became stuck around my neck as the clasp wedged its way into the shell's curves.
The only way i could take it off was to snap the chain

He died of a heart attack, just after he had been to the post office sending a letter to Scotland with his condolences for his brothers death. Their funerals were on the same day, on opposite sides of the world.

This necklace was my way of mourning him, it was beautiful and aged, deaf to me but talked like the sea in strange ways. It hung over me constantly, hidden under my uniform, filling up with water in the shower that would suddenly tip out over me in bed if i leaned a certain way.

Granddad always had a hearing aid, but it was getting worse. We had to attract his attention and then shout at him simple sentences as if he were a small child who just wasn't listening, i couldn't bring myself to raise my voice at him. I just smiled and showed him things.
He used to tease me about the 'dinosaurs in Karori' though i told him many times there weren't any, and he called me tri-Sarah-tops. If it were his birthday and mum brought him chocolates, which were one of his favourite things, he would try to give me and my sister one - much to mum's extreme disapproval. He would set me up with pieces of paper from the cupboard and coloured pencils, and would let me take home as much paper as i wanted to. We would sit on the ground colouring as he watched from his black leather arm chair with the foot rest.
At the funeral many strangers turned up who we didn't know and sat in the back row, they went to church with him we think, and when it came time to sing the hymns they rose as sang loud and strong and then disappeared again.  Grandma told me I had a pretty voice
It's been two years since he left, i didn't see him all that much when he was here but it's strange that he is gone.
My first lecture in biochemistry led to this
I have the first part memorized now
With Kate
My favourite from the weekend
Found a wine glass that can hold an entire bottle of wine,
i imagine it would be hard to hold full

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